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Jokes AOL Jokes Is It Male or Female? KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs. TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and is often over-inflated. HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere, SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on. SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over REMOTE CONTROL -- Definitely female, because it gives men The glass is half full Optimist: Pessimist: Apple Computer: Assembly programmers: Basic programmers: Bill Gates: C Programmers: CIA: National news media: Non-procedural language programmers: NSA: Paranoid: Pascal programmers: Pentium users: Prolog programmers: Copy protection crazies: Faith-healer: Feminist: Free Software Foundation: Futurist: Fuzzy logic guys: IBM: Idealist: IRS: Mac users: MIS: Schroedinger: Security consultant: Shareware game author: UI designers: UNIX users: Windows users: Why Engineers Don't Write Cook Books Chocolate Chip Cookies Ingredients: To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer How To Lie To The Bathroom Scale 1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner...as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight. 2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair. 3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound. 4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off...to your advantage, of course. 5. Always go to the bathroom first. 6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter. (Waving them is optional but occasionally helps!) 7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in, completely naked, of course. 8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully). 9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?) 10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally. A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" THE POPE AT THE WHEEL One day, the Pope is visiting America and driving around Washington in his limo when he gets an idea. "Driver? Can I drive for a while?" "Sure," says the driver. How can you say no to the Pope? So the Pope takes the wheel and starts driving like a maniac all around Washington -- dodging in and out of traffic, going eighty, cutting people off. Soon, a cop pulls him over. But when the Pope rolls down the window, the cop stops dead in his tracks, and goes back to the car. "We got somebody really important here," he says to his partner. "Who is it? Is it a senator?" "No. More important." "The president?" "No. More important." "An ambassador? Who?" "I don't know. But the Pope is his driver." Windows XP CD-ROM I heard that if you play the Windows XP CD-ROM backwards, you'll get a satanic message. But the most frightening thing is that if you play it forward, it installs Windows XP! Middle age REDNECK ETIQUETTE - Redneck Driving Etiquette - Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. - Redneck Personal Hygiene - Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method. - Redneck Dining Out - Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobilehome costs just as much as yours. - Redneck Entertaining in Your Home - A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are. If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes. - Redneck Dating (Outside the Family) - Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago." If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, watertower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration. - Redneck Theater Etiquette - Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. - Redneck Wedding Etiquette - Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift. Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding. When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is. A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent. For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion. - Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions - Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around. Always provide an alibi to the police for family members. TIPS FOR TOURISTS WHO WANT TO DRIVE IN LAS VEGAS 1. Look at all the pretty lights on the buildings! Millions of colors! 2. Also, don't waste your time looking at the road. There's much more 3. Whatever you do, don't tap that accelerator. Keeping traffic slow is your gift to your hosts. 4. It is imperative that you turn onto the road as soon as possible regardless of who you have to cut off to do so. However, once on the road, there is no real hurry. Take your time. That guy you cut off will be happy to slow down. 5. The "fast lane." Ever wonder why it's called that? Me either. 6. If you drive a Winnebago, be sure to only drive on single lane highways with extensive no passing zones. If people can pass you and keep traffic flowing, it defeats the whole purpose of driving a Winnebago! 7. Whatever you do, don't look in your mirrors! Traffic might be piling up behind you and you wouldn't want that on your conscience! 8. Be sure to always slow down to a near stop to look at the twisted vehicles and bloody puddles of the innocent locals who have had "encounters" with driving tourists. 9. If you are pulled over, be sure to toss cliches and lame jokes about the mob, prostitution, or the weather to the cop. He's never heard that one before. Trust me. 10. And remember, when you are lost, do not stop to find out where you are. Simply slow to 1/3 of the speed limit and weave in and out of lanes haphazardly. This always gets you where you want to be. 11. Always be talking on a cell phone. Your techno-savvy impresses the locals and they will stare in worshipful awe as you run stop lights and narrowly miss pedestrians. 12. Stop signs don't really mean "stop." They mean "slow down just a tad and if you are feeling generous, perhaps glance to the side to make sure that guy you were supposed to yield to isn't going to hit you." 13. Feel free to stop in the middle of the road to take photos. The locals will be touched at how sentimental you are about their home. 14. Remember, you are on vacation so school speed zones don't apply to you. 15. The bumper sticker on the car you are tailgating says "If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?" What a jerk! I wonder what his problem is. FUN THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART *BONUS* Attempt all of the above during the same visit. EXPANDED CUMPLEET REDNECK CUMPUTER MEENINS Teenagers & Cats 1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name. 2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot. 3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents. 4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor you teen will ever crack a smile. 5. No cat or teenager shares you taste in music. 6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing. 7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did. 8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom. 9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture. 10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior. Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned. The Cats' Bill of Rights 1. Humans shall make no law respecting an establishment of boundariesor prohibiting the free exercise therein, or abridging the freedom ofaccess, or the right to peaceful assembly. In other words: The cat isentitled to go outside anytime s/he wants. 2. A well-carried provisional chamber, being necessary to thefulfillment of a feline's whims, shall not be infringed. In otherwords: The cat is entitled to EAT anytime s/he wants. 3. The right of the feline to be secure in their domain, and effects,against unreasonable discomposure, shall not be violated. In otherwords: The cat is entitled to SLEEP anytime s/he wants. 4. Humans shall issue no warrants or decrees or edicts as prescribedto the demarcation of possessions or property which are in directconflict with right of life, liberty, and the pursuit of felineaffirmation. In other words: The cat is entitled to sleep ANYWHEREs/he wants. 5. The feline shall be immune to all criminal accusations,indictments, and complaints. The accused shall enjoy the right to aspeedy and impartial dismissal of any and all charges provided saidfeline's compulsory right to obtain any or all witnesses, including character witnesses, are obtained in his favor. In other words: Catscan do anything they want as long as they're cute. 6. Neither serfdom, vassalage, or involuntary servitude will betolerated, except by said cats in proprietorship of their humans. Inother words: What I say goes. (And I can sleep on your face...) 7. No Canis familiaris shall, in time of peace or at any other time,be quartered in any dwelling without the consent of the potentate,nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by sovereign. Inother words: No dogs in the house without my permission. 8. The right of the feline to be protected against unreasonablesearch and seizures shall not be breached or infringed upon at anytime or any place. In other words: Don't disturb me when I am sleepingin a drawer. Why it's nice to be a dog... No one expects you to take a bath every day. Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, When it's raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired. If it itches, you can reach it. And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in public. You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you're insensitive. If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices. Having big feet is considered an asset. If you gain weight, it's someone else's fault. No one tells you to wipe your nose because it's wet. No matter where you live, you own the place. Your mate never complains because you whine. Puppy love can last. Cat Bathing As A Martial Art Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselvesclean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva thatworks like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides andwhisking it away. I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Likemost blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to thecontrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirtsmudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace. The time comes,however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the faceof massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smellslike a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez." When that day arrives at yourhouse, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you placeyour feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub: Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack ofconcern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize onthat advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in anopen area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom.If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get inthe tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were aboutto take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat canshred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shiftpositions.) Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skinfrom your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how todress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-topconstruction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockeyface mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket. Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Makesure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice yourstrange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.) Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In asingle liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure,slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him withshampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Catshave no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem isradically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two orthree seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember togive him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring freeand fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The nationalrecord for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.) Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this partwill be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this pointand the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simplecompared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the catis semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plugwith you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the catwill end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, thebest thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward yourleg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter tojust reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He willusually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot oftime sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better. Hamlet's Cat's Soliloquy ~shakespaw *Cooking Terms* Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow. Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid. Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat. Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE." Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed. Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry. Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment. Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food. RULES FOR PARKING Rule #1 - When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing. Rule #2 - Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred. Rule #3 - In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both. Rule #4 - As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and take it from him. Rule #5 - Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his/her car. Rule #6 - When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard. Rule #7 - When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed. Rule #8 - When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rules applies to picking-up and discharging passengers. Rule #9 - When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it. Rule #10 - If you have Handicap license plates, use up a regular parking spot. Rule #11 - If you hit the adjacent car with your door and leave a dent,wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like "Mr. Good Guy" and park somewhere else. Rule #12 - If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and attempt to pass him. Rule #13 - deleted...for those who are superstitious! Rule #14 - When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait. Rule #15 - When driving through a parking lot with alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it. Rule #16 - Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between parked vehicles. Rule #17 - Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center parking lots. While your at it, dump out all the garbage, too, including that Wendy's or McDonald's bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast. Rule #18 - If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in a parking lot,leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you. Rule #19 - When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought. Rule #20 - When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into anadjacent car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close, push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is flying solo, turn around and walk toward the stores. Rule #21 - When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, gestureto other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again. Rule #22 - When shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell thedriver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signaling mfor your spot. Rule #23 - When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your key chain remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that scares the crap out of them. Rule #24 - If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the malls parking lot, there isn't any! Rule #25 - If you back into a parked car, and the driver isn't with it, take out a piece of paper & start writing. This is especially effective if there are 15-20 witnesses. On a piece of paper write, "There were ___witnesses when I hit your car. They think I'm writing my name, address, and phone number! THE TEN BEST TOOLS OF ALL TIME Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it's never there when you need it. Besides, there are only ten things in this world you need to fix any car, any place, any time. 1. Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum and plastic. It's safety wire, body material, radiator hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more in one easy-to-carry package. Sure, there's a prejudice surrounding duct tape in concourse competitions, but in the real world everything from LeMans - winning Porsches to Atlas rockets - uses it by the yard. The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth. 2. Vice-Grips: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts, and wiggle-it-till-it -falls off tool. The heavy artillery of your toolbox, Vice Grips are the only tool designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair. 3. Spray Lubricants: A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors, alternators, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig phlegm. Repeated soakings of WD-40 will allow the main hull bolts of the Andrea Dora to be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an integral part of these sprays is the infamous little red tube that flies out of the nozzle if you look at it cross-eyed, one of the ten worst tools of all time. 4. Margarine Tubs With Clear Lids: If you spend all your time under the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the peedle valve when you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's because you eat butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil replicas, just so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers afterward. (Some, of course, chuck the butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins. 5. Big Rock At The Side Of The Road: Block up a tire. Smack corroded battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop nosy know-it-all types on the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw banging power of granite or limestone. This is the only tool with which a "made in India" emblem is not synonymous with the user's maiming. 6. Plastic Zip Ties: After twenty years of lashing down stray hoses and wired with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can transform a hulking mass of amateur-quality rewiring from a working model of the Brazilian rain forest into something remotely resembling a wiring harness. Of course, it works both ways. When buying used cars, subtract $100.00 for each zip tie under the hood. 7. Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver With Lifetime Guarantee: Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting, or mutilating than a huge flat-bladed screwdriver, particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool of choice for oil filters so insanely located they can only be removed by driving a stake in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver - and you will, just like Dad or your shop teacher said - who cares? It's guaranteed. 8. Bailing Wire: Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, bailing wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's not recommended for concourse contenders since it works so well you'll never replace it with the right thing again. Bailing wire is a sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with MG, Triumph, and flathead Ford set. 9. Bonking Stick: This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly pointy ends is technically known as a tie-rod- end separator, but how often do you separate tie-ends? Once every decade, if you're lucky. Other than medieval combat, its real use is the all purpose application of undue force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be used to separate tie-rod ends in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it). 10. A Quarter and a Phone Booth: (See #1 above.) 401 Error Message "The requested document is totally fake.", The requested document is totally fake. The 12 Days of Catmas On the first day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... A carpeted, cheaply homemade cat tree. I think it was a feeble attempt by the Big Owner to get me off his bed where I take up most of his space. Sorry, no go. On the second day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Two catnip toys. They were destroyed within minutes. Next... On the third day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Three nuggets of Pounce. Stingy humans. After they went to bed I knocked the can over, ripped off the lid, and ate the rest. On the fourth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Four furry mice. They were fake. What a disappointment. On the fifth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Five small lattice balls. They made such an irritating noise on the hardwood floor the Big Owner took them away the next day. On the sixth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Six floppy stuffed Beanie Dalmatians. 95 to go. Big whoop. On the seventh day of Catmas my human gave to me ... Seven Pet Food Covers. Hold on here, buckaroo. I eat a whole can of that stuff at one sitting. Covers suggest I won't be doing that anymore? Over your inert body. On the eighth day of Catmas my human gave to me ... Eight Hairball Toys. Looks just like the real thing. On the ninth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Nine humans dancing. Trying to not step on the fake hairballs. On the tenth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Ten balls of twine. Old reliable. Boring. I may fashion a noose for the Big Owner out of it. On the eleventh day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Eleven minutes of scratching. It's about all the Big Owner (or I) can handle before strands of hair fly up into his nose and make him sneeze all over me. On the twelfth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Twelve human hugs and kisses. It makes up for all the rest. It was a good day. Cat Laws Law of Cat Inertia Law of Cat Motion Law of Cat Magnetism Law of Cat Thermodynamics Law of Cat Stretching Law of Cat Sleeping Law of Cat Elongation Law of Cat Obstruction Law of Cat Acceleration Law of Dinner Table Attendance Law of Rug Configuration Law of Obedience Resistance First Law of Energy Conservation Second Law of Energy Conservation Law of Refrigerator Observation Law of Electric Blanket Attraction Law of Random Comfort Seeking Law of Bag/Box Occupancy Law of Cat Embarrassment Law of Milk Consumption Law of Furniture Replacement Law of Cat Landing Law of Fluid Displacement Law of Cat Disinterest Law of Pill Rejection Law of Cat Composition AOL Jokes The AOL Oath 44 Ways to use an America Online Disk (floppy & CD) 1. Drink coaster
The AOL Car 1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH
speedometer.
Stephen Harper Joke Bumper Stickers Red meat isn't bad for you, Honk if you like Save water, This is a GREEN car, Serious about reducing CO2? People are more opposed to fur than leather Preserve wildlife; Drive a hybrid! Ignore the environment Compost happens! |
